What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 14:59
As i do to all so called friends.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She found it foreign!.
I write beautiful poetry .
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I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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Would this be the day?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She wouldn,t have been !
It was going to be , some day.
Who is the greatest light welterweight boxer of all time?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I waited trembling.
But it wasn’t much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I have no regrets .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Put me off passion for life!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
This is soul school!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So whats the point in blame.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was scared of men, in general
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Comes on , in middle age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I think the readers, may guess!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My family never makes their pension either.
I don,t even have a pension.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When she asked me how she looked .
He knew the spot.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I never cut or harmed myself..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were not on the streets..
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My life is so biszare .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was in good health!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We all went to grammer schools
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And i lived it daily.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot live in the past .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!